84 replies to this topic

[NEVADA TAN]

"Your mother is soooo stupid that she sits on the TV and watches the couch"

[Jazzie Spurs]

Pav3d, on 2 Jul 2008, 1:23, said:

Q) Who do you know will always get you something for christmas?

A) The nuke cannon

Well my good sir. You always made me lol witht hose jokes..

[Pav:3d]

Sgt Major Kid, on 2 Jul 2008, 22:46, said:

Pav3d, on 2 Jul 2008, 1:23, said:

Q) Who do you know will always get you something for christmas?

A) The nuke cannon

Well my good sir. You always made me lol witht hose jokes..

I will try some moar

[Pav:3d]

Here's one for each hero...

Q) Who makes the best bouncer?

A) Jarmen Kell; He doesnt care, who they are, if theyre not on the list, theyre not coming in

-----------------------

Q) What does Black Lotus and Windows have in common?

A) They aaaallways need an update

-----------------------

Q) Why does burton never go to the cinema?

A) Coz he's seen it all

[Kris]

BAHAHAHA

[Jazzie Spurs]

WAHAHAHA

[Pav:3d]

[Lucid]

Q:Why does the Construction Dozer make alot of money?
A: Because he will build anywhere.

[Kris]

Q: Why dozers and workers hate urban landscapes and neighbourhoods?
A: NOT ENOUGH BEWLDSPACE

[Pandut]

This is more of a riddle then a joke but oh well:


A plane crashes in the border between The USA and Mexico...Where do you bury the survivors?



(Might take some faster to find out then others, if so, DON'T BLAB THE ANSWER)

[Slightly Wonky Robob]

All I can say to the past page or so of "jokes":

Random question + ZH quote != Joke

EDIT: you don't bury survivors

Edited by Bob, 04 July 2008 - 15:57.

[Stinger]

How do female owls seduce male owls?

With their wit to woo.

Yes, I just made that up.

[Pav:3d]

^ha

heard this one today:

I was walking down the road and I saw a blind lady with a tampon behind her ear

I asked her "Excuse me, why do you have a tampon behind your ear?"

She replied with: "Goodness! Thats my tampon? Where has my cigarette gone?"

[Stinger]

[LCPL Carrow]

A naval aviator, aloft in his balloon, became lost. He released some helium, lost a little altitude and spotted a man standing in an open field below.
"Pardon me, but can you tell me where I am?" he called down.
The man in the field said, "Yes, I can. You're in the basket of a balloon holding 50 feet off the deck."
"You must be a Gunnery Sergeant," said the aviator.
"I am," replied the man in the field. "How did you know?"
"Well," the aviator responded, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The gunny below yelled back up, "You must be an officer."
"I am," said the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the gunny, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You are in the same position you were in when we met, but now it's my fault."


--------------------------------

"There I was surrounded by the enemy. Running low on ammo. Just then, my squad leader kicked in the door. He screamed "Hey Crazy!! Get off the damn playstation and get down to the motor pool!!"

--------------------------------

Recently, a Marine Corps Harrier Squadron was invited to attend the annual Air Force Red Flag exercised at Nellis Air Force Base, NV. This is one of the USAF's big exercises where they test Combined Arms employment of tactical air assets. The USAF F-15 pilots showed up on the ramp with dozens of rear echelon airman types and tons of equipment such as Ground Power Units, Accessory Power Units, Hummers, Trucks, Air Conditioners, etc. The Marines appeared ready to operate in a combat environment and showed up with only their Harriers. The Air Force commander commented to the Marine commander: "Where is all your support stuff? Geezz, you guys really are just Grunts that know how to fly."

Not wanting to disappoint the Air Force commander, the Marine commander got an idea of his own to carry on the comment. He talked to his First Sergeant and later that night, the First Sergeant had his Marines make up bayonet studs on hose clamps. You see, there is a Pitot tube sticking out of the nose of a Harrier. In the late hours of darkness, the First Sergeant had the clamp with the bayonet stud tightened onto the Pitot tubes of each Harrier.

The next morning, the Air Force pilots fell out on the ramp in front of their F-15s. The Marine pilots fell out on the other side of the ramp in front of their Harriers. Each Marine pilot had on his deuce gear with a bayonet in the scabbard. The USAF commander ordered his pilots to "man your planes." The USAF ground crews by the dozens scrambled to their trucks, APU's, GPU's, etc. and the pilots ran to their planes. The Marine commander ordered his Marines to "Fix Bayonets." Each pilot ran to the front of their Harrier and fixed his bayonet on the stud attached to the Pitot tube. The Marine commander then ordered "CHARGE" and the Marines jumped in their Harriers, dusted airborne, and flew off. The Marine commander turned to the USAF commander and said; "Now that is what we Marines consider Close Ground Support."

--------------------------------

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Edited by PFC Carrow, 16 July 2008 - 01:05.

[Lucid]

LMAO

Q: a blonde and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, who hits first?


A: the brunette, because the blonde has to stop and ask for directions.




there was 3 women being chased, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. they run into a group of trees, and each climb different trees. the man chasing them stops at the brunette's tree and looks up. the brunette says "tweet tweet", and the man moves on. he then stops at the redhead's tree and looks up. the redhead say "caw caw", and the man moves on. he gets to the blonde's tree and looks up. the blonde say "moooooo". the moral of this story is, don't hide with a blonde.



Q: What is General Alexander's favorite feature on her new car?

A: pr0nstar

Edited by Viper, 18 July 2008 - 13:29.

[Lord PieMonster]

One cold day in antarctica, two penguins are standing on an iceberg together. Just to make small talk, one penguin says to the other, "hehe. Man, you look like you're wearing a tuxedo"
to which the other penguin replies "HOLY SH*T A TALKING PENGUIN!!!"

[Jazzie Spurs]

P4v3d Plz post yer jokes D: I r missin'em

[Stinger]

Self-deprecating Irish humour.

Quote

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back
the sheet.

Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't
Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'

'What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'

[Libains]

I've heard that one before but 'tis still a goodun' - self depreciating humour is always the best tbh.
Now, for my elephant of a joke.....

Quote

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my butt......."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early

Although it is noted that:

Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing
Always happy to try alternative locations

Edited by AjPod, 24 July 2008 - 00:23.

[AZZKIKR]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

[Brad]

A couple of jokes:

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And another:
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And one last one:
The good news and the bad news for Saddam's doubles...
All eight of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were gathered in a bunker in
downtown Baghdad.
Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister, walked in and said, "I've got good news
and bad news. The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have
a job."
One of the doubles spoke up and said, "what's the bad news"?
"He's lost an arm."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ooo, i just found another one
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way." I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me "Capitalism." Your Mom is the
administrator of the household, so we'll call her "The Government."
We're here to take care of YOUR needs so we'll call you "The People." The
nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we'll consider her "The
Working Class." And your baby brother . . . we'll call him "The Future."

Now, think about that and see if it makes sense. So, the little boy goes off
to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night he hears his
baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He
gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in
your own words what you think politics is about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future
is in deep sh*t.

Edited by Tactial_person, 24 July 2008 - 13:05.

[Lucid]

LMAO @ politics

[Soul]

That Politics one is so true .

[Pav:3d]

An oldie but a goodie:

George Bush's secretary is giving the him his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
George Bush sinks his head into his hands and starts sobbing

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, weeping

After a few seconds one of his staff exclaim: "Sir! Whats wrong?"



Finally, the President looks up, tears streaming down his face and asks


"How many is a brazillion?"