12 replies to this topic

[Z_mann]

Care much when you walk this land


Care much when you walk this land

For what lurks from under, deep

Glints of eyes and reach of hand

Fractured smile you chose to keep:

Judgment by the hands of Queens

Certaint's hallow, full of lead

Rake that cant be drowned by tears

Shadow of yourself, unsaid.


Read...

Edited by Z_mann, 25 October 2008 - 22:00.

[Sgt. Nuker]

An uncommonly clouded mind I've been vexed with as of late, but after an episode of self-loathing, I believe that I can start anew and read this script with fresh eyes. A precautionary statement, or at least it bears the resemblance of one. One that speaks to every individual that dares caress it with their eyes. To the hollow man that speaks very little, yet yearns to be understood at large. To those with shattered egos, who want little to do with others' pity, so they hide it beneath a mask, a feigned smile. To the city dwellers, a statement of woe. For the next corner they turn, may very well be their last.

Now that I've read too deep into the subject matter, I suppose the meaning, if there be a meaning, shall be revealed. This is just what I was able to strain out of the few, yet saturated words, contained 8 lines deep.

[Z_mann]

Weak Words

This is a small, imperfect statement
Of gentle breeze
Of yesterday’s snow we put to ease
And a lapsed memory you’ll soon forget

This is a poem for ordinary moments
Of things neither gentle nor rough
Big nor small, weak nor tough

Things which in your words of fancy
In greater schemes
Are never mentioned

All those seconds that melted away
Whilst we were busy for things much greater
This is where they’ve come to stay

Stop building for a moment
Your dreamt-up tower of mist and shine
Taste them while they are fresh
Before they seep back

Into weak words
Like this.

Edited by Z_mann, 17 February 2009 - 19:26.

[Sgt. Nuker]

A construct of simple words, with the warning at the end, that the very bricks may be quite weak. Now it is the mortar's job to hold the structure upright. A rhyme scheme that flows quite well and curt phrases that hold two or more meanings create a shallow facade and a deep appreciation.

Top marks for your latest mate.

[Z_mann]

Two for one from the poetry bargain bin! Get'em while I still think they're worth anytin'!

Quest

I asked a soldier: “Noble friend
How goes your task to save the land?”

The barren claps of hoofs on stone
Nothingness of fallen leaves
Begotten flame that burnt to crisp
Pierced flesh, the mouths that groaned
And shifting sand in his gauntlets wtist
Was all he said.


Honestly - #1

sometimes I just wish that I could do better
than just sit here
and jumble words like a huge jigsaw
just to do something, anything…

[CommanderJB]

Your first one is brilliant - serious and seriously impressive stuff which demonstrates the power of a very few words to say far, far more than their numerical amount would suggest. I'm reminded of First World War poets, and that is quite something I assure you.

As for Honestly - #1, I sympathise! Though I'm not a poet unless I'm forced to be, even with prose it gets a bit like that. But rest assured that both poems there demonstrate that your doing better is not needed to produce excellent poetry!

[Sgt. Nuker]

Honestly - #1, speaks volumes from simple lines and identifies something I believe we all feel at some point in our lives. It doesn't matter when, but the feeling depicted is universal and that simple is what gives this poem so much weight.

[Z_mann]

I am most honored! To be compared to such magnificent poets - I must say I never hoped to live up to that sort of standard. Indeed, the coming of the century has brought to literature a motion that I abide to greatly. In the poem, in the words - just because something was unvoiced does not mean it was unheard. And the feel I got from those poems... The reality - so gruesome, yet so fantastic. It was one of the first times I felt inclined to writing.

I'm weak I guess - I need constant appraisal. But it's more important that it is read. Don't mistake this for bragging, but there is a message for anyone.

Again, thanks. Expect more (trash?) soon

[Sgt. Nuker]

I don't believe rubbish is in your capabilities mate. Keep turning out pieces like the two you just did or the ones you've posted thus far, and you're golden.

[Z_mann]

Half Expecting

I was half expecting to see New York when I looked through the window
But all I saw was familiar

And kinda nice.

[Sgt. Nuker]

My first inkling was to tout this piece as rather "simple". Then I realized the injustice that single word would commit and decided against it. The more I thought about it, the better a reaction I was able to reflect on. Perhaps your surroundings are going a bit "south" and by that, I mean changing in a way you don't like. I mention this because you later say "all I saw was familiar...and kinda nice". It's like you expect something to be one way, but when you find out the reality of the situation, it is almost rewarding and reassuring to find out that it is not the way you expected.

[deltaepsilon]

Warboss Nooka, on 26 Oct 2008, 21:23, said:

An uncommonly clouded mind I've been vexed with as of late, but after an episode of self-loathing, I believe that I can start anew and read this script with fresh eyes. A precautionary statement, or at least it bears the resemblance of one. One that speaks to every individual that dares caress it with their eyes. To the hollow man that speaks very little, yet yearns to be understood at large. To those with shattered egos, who want little to do with others' pity, so they hide it beneath a mask, a feigned smile. To the city dwellers, a statement of woe. For the next corner they turn, may very well be their last.

Now that I've read too deep into the subject matter, I suppose the meaning, if there be a meaning, shall be revealed. This is just what I was able to strain out of the few, yet saturated words, contained 8 lines deep.

That could be a poem in itself.

[Z_mann]

Realised

I thought long and hard
about what you said last night

Until I realized something:
I don’t care

You have never been lived
Your only friend is made of gold
Your soul is spotless like a polished brass plate, yet
You never look yourself in it

You have never loved
You’ve never found the right way
(to dream)

And until you do, all that you say
Is just ash you have stolen from other graves

So go away
And take your poems with you.


Been a while...