2 replies to this topic

[Major Fuckup]

Righty-o my mate studying at uni needed a few mates to write a poem and unfortunately i got picked and have never written one before and it has to be about something thats sad, surprising, a tragedy or some painful dark moment like experience in my life and it has to be somewhat meaningful if you will.
So i gave it a stab and i would like some feed back to see if its poorly constructed and what not.

It was late one night
The moon looked big and nigh
The air was crisp and light
As i cut through the cold night
Listing to a soothing engine purring out of sight as
High beam lights broke the darkness in sight
Tires danced on an uneven road with the suspension creaking an eerily worn tone
As i rumbled on down the road with not a care in the world
There was a storm waiting ahead of me just up the road
Hidden and out of sight
As i gracefully traversed through the bush knowing a bed lies ahead
With a moment of distraction or loss of concentration
I suddenly notice something piercing from the darkness out of place
I shat my dacks and tried to apply the brakes
But it was too late with out fates intertwined i hit something furry and fine
With a bone shattering bang and the sound of twisted metal
As a kangaroo cried and was robbed of life
I thought i heard mother nature scream at the loss of her child
Only to realized it was the cruiser squealing to a halt
With a cloud of smoke engulfing the cruiser and moving forward into the night
Knuckles white and heart racing i sat there shaking
With a click of the seat belt and clunk of the door handle
The warm atmosphere within the cruiser was shattered and tainted
With the smell of death and despair with a bitter cold consumed me as i walked down the road
Passing through the warm exhaust from the cruiser smelling the tang of fuel and motor oil
I drew distant from the light and safety of the cruiser into the dark and into the harsh unforgiving outback
With each step and frosty exhale i bestowed my self upon a scene of carnage and despair
As i kneeled down and watched what was once life now lay motionless on the asphalt
Blood was trickling through the fur and onto the cold road where it was condemned to to a quick death
And as i escaped a ruined life back into the cruiser and drove off into the distance
Only to realize a part of my self died that night.

And if your wondering yes that was about the roo i smacked i couldn't think of any thing else
What do you think is better btw
As a kangaroo cried and was robbed of life
or As a kangaroo cried and was snubbed of life

[Sgt. Nuker]

To be honest mate, I find the construction a bit too stiff and the flow is obstructed. This is just my personal feeling, but the meaning is all too literal. Chronologically it's fine, though you may want to peer at a thesaurus and change up some of the words.

Here's an example:
"As i cut through the cold night" Instead you could say "As I pierced the icy blackness" or "As I cut through the frigid darkness."

Another area you need to watch is sentence structure. Here's what I mean:

"With the smell of death and despair with a bitter cold consumed me as i walked down the road"

This sort of makes sense, but I would caution you to watch out for such couplings. Read what you have out loud, and if it doesn't make sense to you when you read it, then you should change it. Also, if you find that certain words or phrases are becoming repetitive, you should switch out the wording, for something a bit more vibrant or colourful.

Since you asked, of the two choices, "robbed" is a better choice, because it suggests that a life can be treated as a tangible thing, when, in fact, life is rather intangible. "Snubbed" describes something cut short, and however appropriate, doesn't measure up to the poetic meaning of "robbed".

Edited by Warboss Nooka, 15 October 2009 - 05:53.

[Major Fuckup]

Well today i looked around the house for a thesaurus only found a dictionary and i had to give it to my mate and he said the exact same thing "too literal" but what can i say im a man of simple words and i turns out that his assignment wasn't even about the event just how its written and that got analyzed in his media class for ad making and all i can say is good they should make simple ads that get to the point