11 replies to this topic

[Hobbesy]

I awoke up to the sound of distant thunder. I knew not the time or place where I was, nor did I care. All I knew was this had gone on for more than a decade. I looked to my side, where last night a comrade had lay down to rest there was a pool of crimson blood and a smoldering ominous crater. I felt like hell was bearing down on me even though the ground was a pearly white. I was dumbstruck not remembering what I had laid down for, then I felt a jolt of consciousness. I felt around, finding my rifle I preceded to get up.
I looked around once more to find my enemy. I don't even remember why I was fighting. Fresh white blossoms had begun to fall. It was once again snowing. Knowing the terrain to be mountainous the journey back to HQ and the Fertanian trench lines would be burdensome.

[AirStrikeMaster]

so far ...

[Lord Atlantis]

Thats pretty good. I am looking foward to seeing some more.

[Athena]

Looks nice so far .

[Warbz]

^same
pretty good

[E.V.E.]

Nicely done Hobbes1098.
Keep it up.

- E.V.E.

[Hobbesy]

Well I'm going for a modern day WWI kind of story.

[Sgt. Nuker]

I love the atmosphere of WWI. So far I'm taking a liking to your story. Very descriptive, and I have a feeling, when you're able to write more, it'll be a nice long read .


My best,

Nuker

[Dauth]

I like the style just im getting this awful feeling that an infinitive has been split somewhere in there.

Its very good, but i think having a 3hr exam this morning is showing and im having to read very carefully.

[Hobbesy]

If anyone has any grammar fixes be sure to show me so that it can be corrected. <- Did I spell that right?

I have a txt file of it on my desktop which I add a little more to everyday, so don't expect it to be finished in the near future.

Edited by Hobbes1098, 25 May 2007 - 16:04.

[Athena]

You spelt it right, only thing is that grammar isn't with a capital and you could add a comma to make it easier to read.

Good luck with writing more, be sure to post it when you feel it is done .

[Dauth]

Quote

I looked to my side, where last night a comrade had lay down to rest there was a pool of crimson blood and a smoldering ominous crater.

I would re-word this, to

"I looked to my side, where last night one of my comrades has rested for the night. This morning all that remains is, a streak of crimson blood in a still smoking impact crater"