27 replies to this topic

[Jok3r]

Ok, I wrote these a while ago, and I can't get a lot of honest CnC on it, so I decided to create this thread!

Second isn't good enough
flying
from the blocks
with a bright light
and the scream of a horn
hit the water

icy cold
submerged
fly down lane
blow them away
almost

It's a fight to keep my head above water
muscles fading
breathing rythym,
quite ragged
sucking air
I can see the end
and I can see him
so close
yet so far

Second,
Second isn't good enough

Looking Down

Looking down from above
things seem
quite different


Here on earth
in this day
It's hard to see
what we have
It's not black and white
It's all shades of gray

We're one people
when seen from above
5000 miles away
we're tiny, insignificant
compared to this
this
giant blue-green marble
that holds and shelters us all

Muslims, Christians, Jews
Fight
A war of ants
petty differences
stop us all
send refugee's running
and scar the earth
craters on an otherwise perfect landscape
Lances of fire
are all that can be seen
when we make war

when we fight
we achieve
nothing

It's a never-ending bureaucracy
with a stranglehold
on us all

~SLG

(expect more, although many of them may be about... well, swimming)

[Jok3r]

I apologize for the double post, but as I have 34 views, and I've only looked at this page once, I know people have seen this topic.
Now, I ask you,
COMMENT MORTALS!
~SLG

[Z_mann]

Swimmer, I don't know what to say. Sometimes you just have to wait. You're not helping yourself by patronizing the readers and would be reviewers. I understand that feeling every writer gets upon finishing his work, even partly; however, you must understand that things like this take time and are not to be rushed. Take my example if you don't trust me. More than 150 views, and only three comments, 2 of witch from people I had to bother seriously before they posted.

I have read your ramblings, but before you hear my review, tell me, how keen are you on criticism? Do you want me to be honest, or... tactical

EDIT: Where do these typos come from???

Edited by Z_mann, 29 January 2008 - 17:13.

[Jok3r]

Definitely honest, If you don't like it, fine. I can learn from it. Just don't be mean.
~SLG
and sorry about patronizing people, I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for the views, but it still wasn't nice

[Dr HaxX]

Personally, I LOVE your writing. Its like a bunch of broken shards of glass from a large window. Instead of seeing straight through it, you see all the small pieces reflecting just fractions of larger images in all angles.

[Jok3r]

Thanks, thats the feel I was aiming for. When I (attempt) to write in that style, it's supposed to appear disjointed. I haven't got it quite right yet though. I have some more stuff I've written, when I get around to posting it- it's a lot like this, but supposed to be songs... you don't want to know what happened to the band I was with...
~SLG

[Jok3r]

Another attempt at poetry

Blue Skies (Beautiful Eyes)
I look outside
I can see forever
Nothing but blue skies
Bright like your eyes

But I can’t see you
But I can’t see you
But I can’t see you now

Trapped inside this room
A bird inside a cage
Silent, but I’m filled with rage
They tell you you’re free
But they just want you to shut up

I want out
I want out
I want to see you again
Your beautiful blue eyes
But for now
I can only dream
What I see through the window
The bright blue skies
My only reminder
Of your beautiful eyes


CnC Please
~SLG

[Z_mann]

I can almost catch a tune to it. Much better! All it needs is another verse, and you can prolly do it a capella for starters...

[Jok3r]

Ok, I went for another verse. I would write a tune to it, but I have no computerized music software-type thing, and it feels pointless to write it out on paper.
Blue Skies (Beautiful Eyes)
I look outside
I can see forever
Nothing but blue skies
Bright like your eyes

But I can’t see you
But I can’t see you
But I can’t see you now

Trapped inside this room
A bird inside a cage
Silent, but I’m filled with rage
They tell you you’re free
But they just want you to shut up

Every day
I see your face
In my head
The moments before I awake
Your eyes
Glisten
Like the water in a lake
Corny, ain't I?
I want to see you again
But I'm stuck...

I want out
I want out
I want to see you again
Your beautiful blue eyes
But for now
I can only dream
What I see through the window
The bright blue skies
My only reminder
Of your beautiful eyes

It is intended to be a song, although that wasn't exactly what I was aiming for
~SLG

[Goddess_41214]

Personally, i think these are brilliant and would really like to hear more.
Keep going, Mr. Mysterious Swimmer!

[Jok3r]

Thank's..............
~SLG

[Jok3r]

This is a poem I wrote a while ago, called Cross Fire.
I’m stuck
Stuck
In the middle
Words, bullets fly through the air

Tearing me apart
It doesn’t matter what
I say
I get hit
Cuz’ I’m stuck in
Stuck in
A crossfire

Crossfire
Never free
Whatever I say
Ammunition
To use against me

I don’t know what to do
Anymore
There’s nothing I can say
That won’t end in vain
Everything
Everything
Ends up the same
Pain
In the back and to my face
They throw everything they got
At eachother
They wanna help
They wanna help
But all they do
Is shoot
Aimed for the enemy
The common enemy
Within him
With nothing left to lose
There’s nothing left to chose
Everything goes at it
At him
But first
It goes through me
Leaves me stuck
In the crossfire

Never free
Whatever I say
Ammunition
to use against me

Nobody listens to me
To busy loading up
Exhausted and exhilarated
At least we know the enemy
It’s not him
But it’s within him
It has to hit within him

He looks to support
They look for it
Guns loaded
Alliances chosen

“Make ready to fire!”
“Fire at will”

My chest full of holes
I can’t decide
‘Cuz I’m still stuck in the crossfire
of 2 opposing armies
in a very cold war

They fight, the battle rages
I’m stuck in the middle
Feeling sorry for him
But I can’t disobey
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?

What to do?
When you’re stuck in a crossfire
Leaving you blind
And alone
Hopeless
Defenseless

And then, another, much shallower poem, basically me bitching about the war in Iraq, but supposedly in song form

Why isn’t it over?

Whys this still happening
Why the hell
Travelers from the future
Tell us
What the fuck
Is wrong with this society
Why the hell
Is this still
Going on
I don’t wanna die
Do you
Why
Do we fight this war?
We don’t wanna fight
We don’t wanna die
We don’t wanna kill
So why the fuck
Are we still fighting this war
Why’s this song
Why isn’t it over
Why’d it start
We don’t wanna fight
We don’t wanna die
We don’t wanna kill
We wanna protect
But why the fuck
Are we fighting this war
It should be over
It could be over
But it ain’t
Every day
We fight
We die
They fight
They die
Death clouds the air
Why are we fighting
We don’t wanna fight
We don’t wanna die
We don’t wanna kill
We all suffer
Moan for petty needs
While
We all die
Taxes suck
Come around again
For a war
On
“terror”
that only inspires more
itself
We don’t wanna fight
We don’t wanna die
We don’t wanna kill
So why
Are we fighting
Defend
Freedom sure
Bureaucracy
At best
Government
At it’s worst
We must protect it
At all times
All goin’ into the coffers
Of big suits
In Washington
We don’t wanna fight
We don’t wanna die
We don’t wanna kill
So why do we fight?

Thats it for the moment, if people would like, I can probably dig up a little more from the depths of my hdd.
~Swimmer
Needing whats left
But to go to one leaves you in the crosshairs of another
I’m stuck
In the Crossfire

Edited by The Swimmer, 17 April 2008 - 23:02.

[kanan]

i love your final version of blue skies its just perfect. i love it. now you gotta find some music for it ~sticks tongue out at you~
crossfire is really, really good. it is obviously something you wrote about a situation you found yourself in the not so distant past. i hope you found a resolution to that. and the last one is well written. i like how you voiced a common feeling in writing that. after all why is this war being fought? its really good. just keep writing man. anytime you can.

Edited by kanan, 17 April 2008 - 23:09.

[Camille]

i recall you showing me that crossfire poem before... did you make it longer? anyway i like it, there are some great pieces of the poem that have potential for something bigger, a more complete result...

[Jok3r]

ka1000, on 17 Apr 2008, 18:07, said:

i recall you showing me that crossfire poem before... did you make it longer? anyway i like it, there are some great pieces of the poem that have potential for something bigger, a more complete result...

Yeah, I think I might have posted it at Mystique... but I'm not sure
*Goes off to check, and work on a poem stuck in his head at the moment, called One Last Night*
~Swimmer

[Sgt. Nuker]

I bear the scars of an action your poem depicts. The words you say can never be chosen too carefully, for someone out there will twist them and turn them to make weapons fashioned against you. Truthful and insightful this here prose be.

[Jok3r]

I just needed to get this out, and I decided to post it...

When I see you.
Looking at me, across the room
I've got a clear view
To a beautiful face
Slender, elegant lips
Long, luscious brown hair
I can see you!

Beautiful eyes, they're gonna
they're gonna be my demise [I stole that line, from an old friend. if you read this, sorry]

But, all I can see
Of all I can see
Is nothing

Nothing at all when I know you
when I'm with you
I can feel it
I can see it

Oh, I'm just dreaming...
Why, why can't I
Why can't I work up the nerve

Humour
Brilliance
Pure, utter, brilliance

A beautiful girl.
I've known you so long
but when I look at you
Across the room,
I'm still
I'm still speechless...

Ok, its not really done, but, CnC on what I have, please?
~Swimmer

Edited by The Swimmer, 20 April 2008 - 03:17.

[kanan]

i love what youve written. and if it is about a real life situation i hope you find the nerve to talk to this girl so you two can get better acquainted. keep writing man. and good luck.

peace

Edited by kanan, 20 April 2008 - 03:32.

[Jok3r]

Oi, I have to post here.... @Kanan- I would, but things are... confusing... for me with a couple girls right now (none of whom I've said publically I like, but who may have ideas...)
Anyway,

Sick of it

I can feel it
running in my blood

The spirit of the fight
The will to live another day
A feeling felt to often
For far to many

Why must
We fight to live?

Why can't we all just get along?
I can feel the rush

Oh, oh, oh
There are so many
So many
So many better ways to get it

To do something
Something
Something that means something

Not dieing in an empty field
Somewere in a foreign land
Were no one gives a damn

All you are, is a soldier
Once, that meant something

But today, it only means
You are one of them...

Today
Today I make a stand
Put my foot in the ground
Defend my nation
By doing whats right

Because I'm sick of this shit
It just keeps happening

Today
Today will be the day
The last day of an era
an era of greed
an era of corruption
an era of denial

An era, of oil

Ya know what?
I'm sick of it
I'm sick of it

So? Whatchya gonna do?

Its time
To start something

Viva la revolution!
This
Ends
Today

Its time to put a stop to this
this
this era of oil
Ya know what?

I'm sick of it
your sick of it
Why the
hell
isn't it over?
isn't it over?

CnC?
~Swimmer

[Lord Atlantis]

I've told you what I think of this poem. It almost has a song like lyrics to it.

[Ellipsis]

Very nice. Inspiring to go and stop a bully. :o

[kanan]

great words man. i agree with Lord Atlantis on this. it could easily become a song. keep writing man. ~high fives you~

peace

[Jok3r]

Its been a while.

We watch
As the world falls down

Quiet observers
Of our own fate,

The war
Is about to start

Both sides
At eachothers

Throats

Swords drawn
And pistols cocked

Like camelot
Just

Bigger

But We
We just watch

Silent
As it all comes down

Around us

Decisions by the few
Complained about by the many

But
Nothing
Gets done

So we watch
While it all ends

Silent
Participants

In our own
Demise

[Jok3r]

Of Those Left Behind

This march of life, so demanding
Times like these, of us so trying.

We live on, ignore the starving, turn on the TV
Let the media block it out, fill a void from compassion
With fear.

But so many of us are left behind
Without reason, without cause.

We march on without them, contented
by a burial and a prayer.

But what god can stand for,
The death of innocence in such,
such blatant form.

What god can watch
While the best and the brightest,

The compassionate and the brave,
Are snuffed out like so many candles-

"Accidents" in the great scheme of life.

We will never forget them,
But these accidents,

Half written, altogether rushed,
Ends for lives not lived

What god can stand by,
While we leave them behind,
To these accidents.

But our remembrance,
Omnipresent,

Is not the same as their march
Beside our own.

In dedication to James Brown, CommanderJB.

[Sgt. Nuker]

Capturing an emotion, that's what poems are created for, to show a particular emotion or at least to evoke one. One that is felt personally by the writer, or one that is universal and can be identified by all who read the lines that contain that emotion. A solemn poem written in memoriam for a member who's future was looking brighter everyday.