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[Ascendancy]

2008: Is This the Year? - 6 January 2008

Well, here I am again. At the end of another Christmas Break, having school lurking on my doorstep once again. I definitely do not look forward to it...as the same old routine is going to be in place. I mean sure going to school is fun, but it's the people that really bring it down...especially since I have more enemies than friends thanks to someone who is not going to be named or else I'm going to go off in a blinding rage and want to drop everyone with whatever blunt instrument or other weapon I may find.

However, as a whole this break was decent; ending it on a snow storm was pretty cool seeing as we still have plenty of snow outside. I got to relax and stay up late and alternately sleep in a lot. Definitely good when you have classes that really kick your ass when it comes to solving problems...yeah. But unfortunately I hate the routine I'm in, but it has to be done to null any rage I may have to take out on people at school. That of course consists of listening to my mp3 player most of the time so I can feel like I'm back home and talking to only those who I find friendly, and just ignoring everyone else or staying quiet.

I really didn't do anything over break though, I was on the phone talking to Amanda a bunch...but now she lost her phone because she went over her minutes and I can only wonder what in the hell might be happening with her. So that kinda drags me down a little, but lots of other things do...including really coming up empty handed this break, except for the $53 I have in my wallet which I don't have a single clue what to do with.

On a light note my birthday is slowly approaching, which is only good...since this is the year. Yeah, 18th birthday's this year. Good for me? Perhaps...yeah I'd say so, don't have to deal with cops saying I'm out past curfew (though I hardly leave the house), and my freedom gets slightly more expanded beyond what it already is. But then again I'll probably be bugged by some underclassmen I know to buy smokes and I'll tell them no...yeah that's right I'm actually supporting the good side of things by not doing that.

Semester's almost over too, which is good...means I'm halfway to graduating. Though I think the final exams are gonna kill me. I'm definitely not looking forward to that, for sure, but the required classes I need in order to graduate are an A and B, respectively. Anyway, off to what I was going to talk about...my predictions for this year.

2008's looking pretty bright for me because of my 18th birthday. That is going to allow my freedom to be spread every which way. If everything goes as it should hopefully I'll be with someone very special...even if it's not Amanda there's still gotta be someone special out there waiting for me. I can't say about her anymore, as it seems things have kinda dropped off...I mean we fought a couple times this break and it didn't end well for either of us. Graduation's going to give me the power to do whatever the hell I want, for sure. But soon after it's off to the long road of college pursuing my career as a meteorologist. Don't know where I'm getting the funds for that but hopefully there's grants and scholarships and things like that to provide me the cash so I can go achieve my higher education. As for the remainder of high school I'm seeing status quo, doing what I normally do there. Sure I might make a few more friends and things good and bad will happen but as a whole it looks pretty much the same as it was pre-Christmas Break. This year is hopefully promising the move to Wyoming with my parents, too...where starting all over again will be ever so sweet, not knowing anyone and making new friends and have new things await me. That's the one thing I'm looking forward to see the most, the day I leave this hell hole in which I have been trapped in for 9 years. Okay, it's not really a hell hole but it sure feels that way...there's nothing to do and no one to really hang out with since my friends are all miles apart from each other. Hopefully too, I'll be able to replace this machine I'm writing this down on with one my brother built for himself and is giving to me, because he's building a newer one. That'll make me happy because it won't overheat and games won't crash in the middle of intense fights or races. Then perhaps I can do something charitable with this machine and give it to my mom or something like that.

I really do hope this is the year where my time has come and everything I've wanted comes to be. I've waited so long for this year and it feels like eternity to get to my 18th. As it stands, over the years I've gone through so much in my teenage life...feeling the loss of a loved one, falling in love and knowing the power it brings, and so much more. It's like these years are meant for the things you're gonna experience later on in life, just on a smaller scale so you know what each and every thing brings when you're an adult. I've been influenced by many people in these years, since you know, teenagers are vulnerable to being influenced by the people they hang around...because of a fateful day way back in 2004 I've realised the power of love and the power of being shot down by someone you really did and truly care for...but thankfully her friend knew what I went through and guided me out to the end of that horribly dark tunnel. Wherever she is, I still wanna thank her and hug her...but she's probably long gone. And really I can't believe I lost my grandfather not long ago either, he was such a fighter...but the way he was no one should have gone through for as long as he did. But I know now he's looking over me and hoping for my good luck. Oh well, my years as a teenager are memorable ones, like the day it snowed a foot and we all had fun in it and doing all the little immature things we did. However, it feels like I've grown up so fast...it was almost yesterday I was just a kid.

So wish me luck, my friends...I'm definitely going to need it in the coming days, weeks, and months. If something goes wrong, I won't know what to do...


Ascendancy

[Ascendancy]

A Very Sudden Realisation - 28 April 2008

Greetings, to those who have read this topic and especially to those who have taken the time to leave me a spare comment.

It was not long ago that I, as a human being, had a great revelation about who I am and who can make me exceptionally happy within my heart and soul. It very much so shocked me, and made me see things all so clearly now, and see who I really am at heart.

The person who can truly make me happy and make me secure is someone who I would have never expected it to be. Someone who I have dated off and on for this extended amount of time, going all the way back to the 7th of February last year. Her name, you might ask? Kimberly.

Her and I have shared many ups and downs over this period of time, constantly breaking up and getting back together, trying to make things stronger and have a more secure and down to earth relationship. We've had plenty of fights and plenty of amazing times together, too. Our downfall most of the time was over things that were completely insignificant, too.

But over time and all the breaking off and getting back together, we got stronger, slowly but surely every single time. It was every time we were broken up did I not know how important she was to me. And I thought I was just lying to myself to have someone in my arms, but I'm guessing I was completely wrong, for she provides me with the sense of security and warmth that I could ever ask for.

However, it was not until very long ago did I truly realise how much she means to me.

We broke up about three weeks ago, because of an argument that was sparked out of nothing, to be honest. Or maybe it was, because I can't handle being in public with my girl all too well. I don't know why, but it's just something that's always gotten to me, seemingly like I was constantly being judged because I was holding hands with someone. Soon afterward, being who she is, she got another boyfriend. Not much longer after, I get a phone call saying I'm going to jail for statutory rape. Apparently this new boyfriend's brother (which I thought was his father before the sudden realisation happened) knew everything about us, because yes, I'm 18, and now she's 16, but still legal in this state to consent to such relations. According to what I had heard that day she was going to confess to everything and I was going to be locked up for a very long time. Thankfully that was all a bluff; nonetheless, I was still so freaked out I needed something to calm me down.

For the timeframe right after the splitting, I was perfectly fine, happy to be free of something that was tying me down like an anchor. But over time, she was the only thing running through my poor little head and my heart was yearning for the warmth she had provided me for so long. It soon came to the point that, in the middle of the night, I had confessed to her every little feeling I felt for her and went to bed in fear of never holding her ever again.

And so, we had sent messages back and forth talking about this whole realisation. Before all of this I had been thinking she was a psychopath for threatening me with jail time and told everyone I knew that she was said person. Sensing a fear that I could still easily have gone to jail for my intimacy with her, I stopped. And it was after that, that I had begun to think of her, non-stop, trying to get her out of my head, but failing everytime I tried.

So, came last Thursday night. I called her and talked everything out, confessing again to everything, but having such a deep seeded feeling that I cried my eyes out to no end. It is not often that I cry over someone, but she means so much to me I just burst into tears, for it was not my mind that was speaking, but it was my soul. I was very lucky to even have her listen to me, listen to who I really am speaking for once and not what my mind wants at that one particular time. Without her being there, I felt so alone and the world got so much more harder and the darkness got darker and the light was getting dim.

Our history is what I know made her listen to me; had we not such a colourful past over the year and some odd months now, she could have cared less. But the fact that we love each other so deeply is what will always keep her on my mind and vice versa. The one problem remained with her: the fact she had someone else that now she had cared for (and still does, to this very moment), and was beginning to love.

I believe now, that with the time I spent with her yesterday and the things I'm scared of now gotten over (but still don't like the fact of being public), that I can continue loving her and having her as my guiding light and warmth in my life. With her being back in my picture and us sharing such a love, it feels like my bubble and my security has flooded back into my heart and soul. I don't think we're 110% back together but we're back in such a way I can hold her and hug her and kiss her again, which was something I was longing for so much. The fact that I'm leaving Nevada in a couple months for Wyoming is going to compound the problem, but with everything hopefully working out in this timeframe she'll be right with me up there. Again this is someone I would have never guessed I could truly love so much that I would cry out my eyes for hours on the phone with (and thankfully be on the phone with when I felt the earthquake, too). This is a revelation that has changed who I am, as a person.

From now on, like I had promised her, that I would give up the other girls in my life on the internet and look into my heart and soul for words, not my head. If I want this to be where I want it to be I have to give up things like this. If I lose her again, she's not comign back and I'll have to accept the fact she's gone forever. Which is something I do not want. Just pray that I can be faithful and not stray off the path that I strayed so many times it's ridiculous. Leaving Nevada is going to be the hardest part, and if she can't deal with me being far far away, I suppose it's something I'll have to accept and find someone new in Laramie.

Ascendancy

[Sgt. Nuker]

If she can't handle the notion of you living what amounts to a world away, then all of your feelings for here were vain. As harsh as that sounds, it is the truth, since she would obviously not share your feelings in return. Don't listen to that "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" nonsense, because that's all it is. Think about it. If you've loved and lost, what else can you give someone than what's left over, if there is anything else. You're obviously attracted to this girl you're with and I know you hold her with the utmost esteem. Letting go will and will always be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. It's good that you've realized what you must do, for it's better to realize it now than later, when the pain will be much worse.